Harrowing Anguish

The Anguish of Being in the World

I expect that many of us share this sense of anguish as we look out onto the world through the lens of the media. We watch the passing show and wonder, “How will this all work out?” It’s too much and overwhelms us so I think that we generally shut out this enormity of the story of humanity on the planet. I could be wrong about that.

My own path has been guided by the thought of Upasni Maharaj who told everyone who came to him that they should not mind pain. The pain that gives rise to the anguish of which I speak can be borne. If I bear it with pleasure, I will have a lot of pleasure. It’s a simple idea. It is challenging; particularly in a society that seems to seek pleasure and distraction from the pain of being in the world.

I’m just scratching the surface of this now as I am up early due to physical discomfort. Perhaps I will return to bed as I don’t have to open Daily Provisions this morning. I love this work and, while it doesn’t pay nearly what my old career in Enterprise Architecture did, it provides me with physical activity which I believe will benefit my health. I know it provides interaction with society which helps my mental health. It is a joy to serve.

I observe a great deal while moving about the place. What I see is our collective behavior as primates on the planet. I see our ways of presenting ourselves to each other. I see how aware we are of our environment as things flow around us. I reflect on this as I move about and consider how everything flows. I think about our supply chain. I consider the travels of the poppy seeds that decorate our Portuguese rolls on which our breakfast sandwiches are served.

At the moment, I am listening to “The Way of Zen” on YouTube:

This catapults me back to the late fall of 1997 when I was newly sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. I was walking along Bayard Street in Pittsburgh between Melwood and Craig Streets when I found a copy of this book on the sidewalk. I was delighted to find it so easy to read and felt it was something of a sign from the cosmos that I should find it lying there. It is a great boon for surviving the anguish of existence.

Why Am I Writing This

I suppose that I am feeling anguished that I feel unable to help anyone avoid the suffering of life by embracing the suffering as I am doing now. I am now reminded of Carl Jung’s description of his near-death experience:

“Upon his ascent, he approached a floating temple where he felt his earthly existence "sloughed away," leaving him with a sense of "extreme poverty, but at the same time of great fullness". - Gemini abstract from Memories, Dreams, and Reflections, Chapter 10

The stripping of the ego from the Self, as I interpret Jung’s experience, is an important experience for him, certainly. I believe it can happen for us with practice. I’m writing this in hopes that it resonates with a reader either now or in the future but that isn’t entirely the truth. Essentially, I am writing this to tell it to mySelf. The capital “S” is deliberate. “I” as in the Persona or the Ego is merely a mask. The Self is that which observes the experiences of the primate labeled “Hal Gill” - or, more formerly, “Harold Bledsoe Gill, III” - last of a series that started with my grandfather on January 16. 1907. The Harold B Gill Foundation, LLC is the monument built in cyberspace for the three of us. I feel compelled at some level to sum up our being here through the body of work being created here on Harrowings, the publishing arm of the foundation.

Now I find myself drawn in many different directions. A memory arises of my father buying me a copy of Foundation by Isaac Asimov. I remember being entranced by the idea behind the Foundation. Perhaps I still am. Perhaps I am seeing its origins unfolding in real time.

The Work

The work, in the sense in which G.I Gurdjieff articulated it, is discussed in this interview with the late Jacob Needleman. The work is not just “ordinary life” although it encompasses that. It requires bringing deliberate, divided attention to my everyday actions. It involves being simultaneously engaged in the world while observing your own thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations without judgment. This is how I am conducting myself these days as I build the Harold B Gill Foundation, LLC.

To this point, with the 21 paid subscribers and some others who have been paid subscribers, I am continuing this work. As mentioned, it is a monument of sort but it is also more than that. It’s an ongoing service to the world from which I have arisen and from which all of us have also come into being. Harrowing the anguish of existential experience this morning - feeling the physical pain as my body heals from a fall suffered on Tuesday morning as I was clearing the table my first customers had just vacated - I’m acutely aware that I am not as resilient as I once was and am temporary.

We are all brief flashes on the surface of eternity. Sitting zazen for the moment, I am.

Being in the world even for a moment is a miracle, it seems to me. Being in the world here and now is an opportunity to shape the future. Stay in the game though if at all possible. Keep breathing.

When I am at work (with a small “w”) and people come up to the host station where I stand ready to take their orders, people will ask “How are you?” I usually reply “Still breathing!” This is a gentle “shock” delivered which sometimes elicits a laugh. I may extend my comments to say “It’s the secret to a long life - keep breathing as long as possible.” I have even extended further to say that at any moment, we are only a couple of minutes from death if we stop breathing and that if I have gratitude for breathing, everything is added to that. I can be grateful for the anguish I feel as I observe the passing show and know how very different our lives might be if we were a bit more mindful of the impacts of our actions and how very powerful we each are.

Yesterday

Yesterday, getting up early in the morning to get ready to go in and open Daily Provision, I wrote two articles here:

This was the second one. The first was embeded in it:

I recall with pleasure the first time I heard someone intone, “Life is a continual series of losses.” It was shortly after I found The Way of Zen mentioned above. I was in Posvar Hall at an AA meeting. The older gentleman who spoke those words is anonymous to me now. I am not sure I knew his name then. He came in with another man about his age and they didn’t interact much with the rest of the group if I remember correctly.

Somehow, what might have seemed a depressing thought charmed me immensely. I was shocked into an awareness of just how precious the present moment is; of how lucky I was to be there, to be anywhere. I’m apt to say that I am grateful to be here and anywhere given that I have a progressive and ultimately fatal condition - both life and alcoholism. Provided that I don’t forget to maintain the conscious decision not to drink today, no matter what, I’ll go to my grave sober and that is the ultimate goal. While breath remains in my body, I have an opportunity to play through creation, enjoying another day in the bonus round of the game of “Beat The Reaper.”

I don’t know if that helps anyone else but it certainly helps me to remind myself of these simple ideas. I’ve been very fortunate, probably because I think I have been very fortunate. Others might see it differently. If anyone does, I’d love to hear it. So, click a button, any button…

Remember, liking is nice, but restacking actually does something. Onward!