Wondering after wandering through yesterday
...and a new day dawns in the bonus round of "Beat The Reaper"
I had not realized until a recent reading of the novel, Wonder Boys, that the title was also the title of the never-ending novel that forms the centerpiece of the novel and the movie. Part of the life I lived resembled that of “Grady Tripp” - the main character in the novel who is writing a story for which he can’t quite find the ending. The movie follows him through a pivotal weekend during his tenure as a professor of creative writing at a Pittsburgh university. I ended up there through some contortional navigation of life matters in my early 30s.
I had not realized that my marriage would collapse as I entered into the process of finding an appropriate landing place for my career aspirations. I often say that I’ve had more of a careen than a career. I often think of how life seems to be a navigation through a fun house in which everything appears to be other than it is; distorted, contorted, and distended away from meaning and toward absurdity. All of this is to say that I am still confused by life both in the rear view mirror as well as that happening right here and now.
Presently, I’m listening to the work of the Grateful Dead from 1970 - American Beauty. It’s a particularly pleasant experience. As I look back over the past 30 years, I remember how I was at 33, in the late spring, recovering from a near-fatal case of pneumonia that had begun with contracting a flu just 5 days after my 33rd birthday. I remember feeling very sorry for myself in those days. I’d broken up with my first post-divorce girlfriend and felt hopeless. I knew that I was on the wrong track and didn’t know how to get off of it or find any way of supporting myself given my record up to that point. It wasn’t as though I lacked education. What I lacked was discipline to follow anything other than the path of least resistance. I suppose the same can be said right now.
Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans, it’s said. Yesterday, I walked and took in the “Passing Show” to the extent that I was able. It is a continuing body of work. It’s purpose is to provide primary documentation of my own perspective. It captures much more than that of which I am aware at any given moment. The richness of the medium is one of the reasons that I do this now; wondering as I wander. I don’t know how many people get anything useful out of it. That’s really not the point. The point is that a shot has been taken and one misses 100% of the shots that one does not take.
As I always say, onward!
Quo vadis?
That’s what I probably need to know. I do the best I can to get from A to B and back again. A truer statement might be that I do what I can with what I have from where I am. If anything else were possible, it would happen, I expect. I’m having a fair amount of difficulty just articulating anything of meaning at this point. The words are all loaded with invitations to explore their meaning. It is deeply layered and nuanced. A mere harrowing of the field is just the beginning. The goal is still indeterminate.
I could go on and often do. However, for now, I think this might be where I end up this morning. It is somewhat unsatisfying but it is real.
I’ve lived a life. If someone asks me how I am, I’m apt to say something like “I’ll probably live and, if not, it’s been a good life.” I try to stay in this space. Grateful even, and perhaps particularly, for the suffering and confusion as much as for any experience. I’m somewhat lost at this point. I’m hopeful but I am also aware. If any of this has resonated with any of you, feel free to drop a comment or send me a direct message. It would be so appreciated!
Onward!
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